Healthy Taffy Sucks
So a coworker of mine buys these FRS chewy things. I’d never heard of them but I guess they’re supposed to be some sort of energy supplement in taffy form, chock full o’ antioxidants and some flavonoid called quercetin that I guess is supposed to be super ass good for you. Lance Armstrong’s all silly for ‘em. Another coworker of mine tried one and said it tasted terrible. So I had to try one.
It was roughly the dimensions of a block of Bubblicious but not nearly as awesome. I popped the thing into my mouth and initially it really wasn’t that bad. It tasted like screamingly strong pomegranate and also kinda like algae. This ‘everything went better than expected’ feeling lasted for about 2 seconds. The texture of the thing was way off; it quickly melted into an almost peanut butter-like goo. Then it went mealy. Then it started getting down-right gritty. Think Razzles. As the mealy texture became a gritty texture, the sweet, fruity tastes faded away until it was just my tongue and all those fucking vitamins. And they tasted awful. Like bitter earwax awful. As the bitterness got worse and worse I frantically gulped the thing down and took a powerful swig of my coffee, hoping to wash the bitter aftertaste away—no such luck. I had a bitter taste in the back of my mouth for the next 40 minutes, plus the damn thing stained my tongue hyper red (cool when you’re a kid, kinda stupid when you’re an grown-up). And they recommend you eat at least four per day! No health benefits could be worth all this. I’ll stick to Now & Laters
